At the Heart of ... Everything

You will wonder (or not) what became of me, keeping silent on my blog for so long.
After all the time, I had intended to do a nice little RA post over the long weekend, which I intended to spend relaxed and lazy at home together with my parents.
But if I tell you what I do most of the time, since the end of last year and far beyond, you won't ask for long and won't wonder what I spend my time with.

Last year, after all the computer break downs I told you about (and lots I did not tell you about and just struggled through), I finally bought a new computer.
Happy me ;o)
Now, you would think, my problems would finally have ended.
No, they didn't, far from it.

The new computer breaks down on a regular basis,
and after a repair, destroyling many of my so far unsaved work and mails, I was close to going crazy.
To keep my files safe, I had bought a small server together with the computer. When I was finally ready to start working with it (a month after the purchase), it had given up cooperation, so I had to send it in for repair (and so my files had not been saved when needed),
and don't even get me started on my telephone services. I could strangle the customer service person and avoid going close to the service center in case I really might do it. I certainly hate the new telephone I had to purchase because of their mistake(s) and stupidity.


But now, off to a relaxed long weekend ...

I get home to my parents. Finally far from my own internet and telephone line, only my notebook, still crashing on a regular basis, with me. But after a while one gets used to everything, so no worry on my mind.

First day, coming home. - Everything is fine. I fall into bed, so safe distance from any computers ;o)

Second day - The computers and phone lines seem not to have recognised yet, that I am home. Everything works fine ;o)

Third day - The computers seem to know I am home. No internet, not even a mini tiny little bit, and I had not even touched the line. ;o(

So, back to my daily business. Calling the hotline.
It is a Saturday. Usual tests from the hotline reveal nothing. (Why am I surprised? My computer problems never are the simple stuff.) So it has to go to the main technical staff, but they only work for a few hours longer and not on Sundays. If no feedback comes till the end of the day, my parents and I will have to wait till Monday.
Of course, there is no feedback. Why should there be a solution for me, when I am close to the computers and internet line of my parents?


So now, back at my 'working-home' and with working computers around me, another main central computer is a bit bumpy. At least my date with the doctor is a bit further delayed, as I did not get an appointment yet. Perhaps early next month ...
At the moment I just think it might be a side effect of acute hay-fever, as my doctor had warned me might happen years ago.

But I must not delay, I must use the opportunity as long as everything is halfway working and must finish this post!

How glad was I, to find a cute RA, to console me. Kermit and RA ;o)
Kermit for me is strongly rooted in a time, where no computer was even close to my home or even remotely related to my work. So Kermit is an excellent respite ;o)

(I am not, as some seem to be, envious of Kermit. I would rather like to bring a smile to RA's face ;o) [You know I am too shy to fully confess how ;o) But Miss Piggi need not be envious of me, nor you.])

I wish you working computers and hearts and ..., just that everything is fine !

Happy Easter ...

Source: Glitter-graphics.com

Did you ever make an Easter resolution?
I so far did not. New Year's resolution and plans for the coming year, yes, but for Easter?
But this year, I came to the realisation, after "The Hobbit. An Unexpected Journey", I just miss Lucas North too much and need to come back to him.
Yes, the separation from him in "Intrigue" was too much for me to bear and I felt a bit unfair to dump Al Delarmy in a hotel in Hamburg.

At the moment it also looks as if I need to meet Al Delarmy in Hamburg in June anyway. Perhaps I even see him in one of his ...
- Oh, I must not tell! You still don't know ;o)

But I can divulge so much: I by chance need to go exactly where I had in my fantasy sent Al Delarmy, whithout ever knowing that I had to go exactly there myself.  (No! Oh, what do you think of me ! No, not into the famous red light district of Hamburg. I am much too harmless for that ;o)

What a coincidence you will say or perhaps life just has no coincidences, just full intentional plans we just do not understand at the time we have to go and live through them. At least I can admit, I don't understand them, but none the less, the coincidence is nice and I am looking forward to meet Al Delarmy in Hamburg in June ;o)

Hope he is not too angry with me for dumping him in that luxurious hotel and having the quarrel last time we met ;o)

I can't promise anything about how fast I will be able to continue with "Intrigue", but at least, I will try to steadily continue and build the story. So I hope you will have joy and fun following Lucas' / John's / Al's further story in "Intrigue".

Happy Easter to you all, my friends,

and have a relaxed and joyful time !

4RA-7: I Am Safe

Posts from previous FanstRAvaganza years 2012 & 2011

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I am safe from my own expectations

With the safety distance of fandom between fan and idol, there is also a safety net for myself.
The fan-dream allows me to become the person I would like to be, if I were not such a complex, difficult, sensitive and diversely reacting person that I am.

In reality, I would have to cope with reactions to myself, with my efforts to prove myself, my worth, my value to others.

In fan-dream, I just can step over this preliminary and exhausting and mostly not even fulfilling experience and right get to the point of creative completion of muse and inspiration, of admiration without the connotation of weakness or the necessity to fight for a strong position in a relationship or being walked over or used as foot-rag, just because of not wanting to fight or continuously prove strength to keep up one’s position and get much needed attention.

On an emotional level, it is so healing for me, so reassuring that the world consists of more than the narrow minded fights all around.

Fandom came to me at a time where I clearly needed a positive outlook
and last and this year’s happenings in fandom strengthened my wish to focus on the positive and distance myself from destructive influences.

I am strong in the things I believe in and I fight (not against someone, but with strong effort on my side) for the things I believe in.

I no longer have the belief that I need to correct somebody, if ever I had that belief, but think only your own mind can set you free or enslave you.

Though not all and everything in the world is reachable, you won’t know if you don’t try.

For a free fandom and free space to develop and expand creativeness, for an open community allowing to try.

Signed: The radical at heart CDoart ;o)

I hope you enjoyed FanstRAvaganza 4 - which is now coming to an end.

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Posts from previous FanstRAvaganza years 2012 & 2011

4RA-6: The Distinct Advantage of RA

Posts from previous FanstRAvaganza years 2012 & 2011

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The distinct advantage of RA compared to other men

I already started to explain RA’s main attraction points in my last post.
But what set him so completely apart was something Servetus and her excruciatingly honest self- and fan-analysis alerted me to.

He was not real.

Yes, I know, he is real, and I am certainly heavily in the group suffering APM (= Armitage Protection Mode).
But to some extent he just isn’t, at least for me.

He is safe,
as he does not really come near me, know about me or can hurt me.
So my fantasy world about him is safe, I am safe and still can feel enormously inspired by what he does and how he does it.

Lately someone asked me how I would behave in a red-carpet event meeting him. My answer was ‘I wouldn’t’.
Because, if I can, I would avoid the spectacle, the frenzy, the showing and openly expressing of my feelings of admiration.
That would throw me out into something I just am not and would make me into something I would not like to be. Something I fear, as I couldn’t control it and would need only to react to a surrounding I would not like to be part of.
I am no fodder for the masses, don’t like to be used and would not like to lose my identity and only be a number and I certainly would feel that way there.
It would make it into something real, something depressingly real, something entirely un-safe.


In contrast on KRA, though showing the signatures in totals and numbers, the lovely feedback we receive shows that people all over the world come together in support of the film. A multitude of motives, aspects of interests, personalities and just absolutely wonderful supporters assemble there.
And all in support of one brilliant man, attracting all this attention.
I can’t see this variety as pure numbers and customers of fan-devotionalia, while standing around a red carpet, I would feel like a number, a space filler somehow.
Would have to be myself, my real self and would feel completely lost ;o)

The variety in fandom is the reason, why I am active part of this fandom, why I support the KingRichardArmitage initiative for the film “Richard III” and why I can’t get enough of Richard Armitage - in my safe fantasy world ;o)

Enjoy the variety and broad bandwidth of fandom in FanstRAvaganza 4 !

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Posts from previous FanstRAvaganza years 2012 & 2011

4RA-5: What Makes RA so Interesting ?

Posts from previous FanstRAvaganza years 2012 & 2011

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What makes RA so interesting as a person, not only as an actor, that I am interested in his views and answers?

Before I start with analyzing this question, I must state, that especially from men (except perhaps my father and my professor and a very limited few) I rarely got useable feedback, support or anything close to a constructive answer to a question.
Men usually were causing more problems than they solved and needed someone to repair the mess they left in their wake. You see, my opinion of men is not the best.

This was the reason, why my fandom to RA came as a complete and utter surprise to me, which I still could not entirely solve.

That I am not only interested in RA’s roles and outlook, but also his opinion, was quite clear to me right up from the start, as I did not fall for him because of his skill in a role, but because of him answering tricky interview questions.

 But what set him apart, what made me so deeply fall under his spell?

What certainly came to his advantage was that I was surfing for video instructions and completely unaware and unprepared for the power of his spell.
Unsuspecting as I had been, I fell before I even knew what had happened.
But still … - it was not his appearance, which made me a fan and gripped me without return.

It was his polite way.

That certainly set him apart from the men I knew. Only few were polite and those who were, generally wanted to trick you out of something, to give up information, do their work, play you in front of your boss/professor, etc.

So for once there was a man where I could drop my defense shield and just listen to what he had to say. And he did not need to trick somebody else out of something or to grow by grinding somebody else into the ground to have something to say, but had an opinion and backbone of his own.


I hope you now see more clearly, why I had to make these excursions in my research, why I especially want to ask RA questions, though I am notoriously curious as well, but then mostly go my own way to research till I am content ;o)
And as typical historian, as a friend of me once said: A historian believes that every problem is not entirely unique and so if encountering a problem, he goes to the next library and searches for a solution ;o)

I am still not entirely finished with my research and now will come closer to my position, why I so especially need 'phantasy RA' for my questions.

Have fun with FanstRAvaganza 4 and enjoy all the diverse posts !

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Posts from previous FanstRAvaganza years 2012 & 2011

4RA-4: Why Do I Want to Ask Questions

Posts from previous FanstRAvaganza years 2012 & 2011

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Why do I want to ask RA questions ?

• Because he played roles so excellently that I really would like to know how he made them plausible to himself to be able to make them work for his audience as well.

• Because the preparation for the roles he plays seems so complete that I would like to know what he makes of the roles and adds in explanations and background to make them work – for himself and for the audience.

When I during my studies, had access to cheap tickets, I nearly weekly went to the theatre to see productions. Often I could not make sense of what they wanted to tell me. With RA playing a role, it is easier to get the message and meaning, even really difficult, emotion racking ambiguity works with him.

• What is the difference here and there? What makes this work beyond the hints the script, set and artifacts give?

• Why does a scene even work, when RA does nothing more than let a smile shine through his eyes, while his face remains impassive (or rather needs to remain passive, because it is covered with prosthetics like in the Hobbit, where the smile intoxicated me so much that I forgot to be attentive for quite a while and now urgently need to see the Hobbit a third time to catch up on the scenes I missed two times)?

But this all still does not answer the question, why I especially would like to get the answers from RA.

• Because I think he is sensitive and thoughtful enough to have really interesting answers.

• Because he takes the time to think his answers through and not just does something to please the audience, but also himself and his high standards.

• Because he does not do it for the greatest marketing effect, though marketing for an actor necessarily must be part of it, but to be content with what he did.

As this is such a strong aspect for me in my life, this might be a point where I over-interpret RA’s previous interviews and his answers. Still his behavior in interviews is surprisingly different and refreshing.


My questions and analysis is far from finished and I will go deeper over the next few days of FanstRAvaganza 4.

Have a nice and enjoyable FanstRAvaganza 4 event !

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Posts from previous FanstRAvaganza years 2012 & 2011

4RA-3: Questions 2 about Richard III

Posts from previous FanstRAvaganza years 2012 & 2011

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No, nothing like if he killed his nephews.

If I believed King Richard III really did it, I would rather ask how or why he thought it to help his position and prestige as king, when I see it so much as an error for him from all perspectives.
I have clear doubts here that he did it, but not for being a ‘Ricardian’ (which I am not) or only wanting him to be good, but for psychological reasons.

For one, I see the king as an intelligent man and I just can’t imagine, he did not come to the same conclusion that the disappearance would hurt his position as king. He was their uncle after all, if they were legitimate or not and as such responsible for them. To lose them just is no good style for an uncle. (That reminds me of my own nephew. I think my sister would kill me in return ;o) Preferably in a very slow and extremely hurtful way.)

For another, the one with the best and strongest motive in police investigations rather rarely is the culprit, as his interests are much too obvious to allow him to act upon them. They are obvious for everyone to see and deduct the logical consequences.
This leads to the strange situation that the strongest opponents might act as the fiercest protectors, just because of this reasoning.
While not so blatantly obviously interested parties, normally the second, but often even in the third or fourth position of motive strength, feel safe enough to act upon their baser motives.

I know that is no proof, but at least shows why I doubt.

Whereas I don’t doubt, that King Richard III clearly calculated all (!) his options and was well aware of advantage and risk.
A crime executed in the head, is it still or yet a crime in itself?

NPG 148; King Richard III by Unknown artist
(Source: National Portrait Gallery)

My questions to RA now would be:

• What aspect of King Richard III especially can fascinate an actor?

• What advantage has Shakespeare’s Richard III character compared to the ‘real’ (or historically reconstructed) one?

• What can a film do to a king who is already famous? – Or should I rather say notorious?

• What influence would you as actor like to give Richard III’s wife Anne Neville over him? (As very little is known about her and her relationship to her husband, this aspect leaves quite a lot of space for interpretation.)

• Is Richard III a driven or a reacting figure? Driven by greed or acting out of necessities put upon him?

• Is Richard III personally strong or weak and why?

• What in your opinion makes Richard III act in the way he does?

• What in his background / education / upbringing / influences / … leads him to become such a different character / morally settled person compared to his older brother Edward IV?

• What kingly abilities of Edward IV does Richard III miss?

• Why does Richard III’s relationship to his eldest brother work though their large age difference and their opposite characters and approach to life and moral?

And here I really need to forcefully stop myself, otherwise we would sit here till next year’s FanstRAvaganza 5 ;o)

I very much hope you enjoy the event ! Till tomorrow, with more musings, why I just can't stop asking questions ;o)

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Posts from previous FanstRAvaganza years 2012 & 2011